Who am I?

Yesterday I was an independent woman, who did what she wanted when she wanted, to whom people paid attention. They were always asking me about my health, my well-being. I had my life under control, I enjoyed the predictability of it. When I woke up, I knew what my day would be like. I would go to work, do my hours, be productive, go home and meet my partner, do my pilates/yoga/dance, read my books and watch movies without interruption.

What happened to all that?

Today people no longer ask about me, I don’t sleep eight hours in a row, I no longer watch movies or read books like before, check my Facebook page no more. Netflix is past.

Where are my friends with whom I used to have an afternoon tea, with whom I had dinner, with whom I met after a simple text even if it was “just” to talk? I’ll call them now. I have no time. I can’t. Actually, I don’t even want to.

Where are my dance friends, whom I met every week to share the adventures and misadventures of the last days? What day is today? Is there dance class today? Don’t know. I won’t go anyway. I don’t even want to.

Where are my co-workers, my office desk, the papers and the computer screen with which I was so close? If I have a little time, I’ll connect to the web. But I won’t.

When will I spend a rainy Sunday afternoon lying on the couch watching a movie quietly? I can’t even see that happening.

When will I spend a whole day at the beach without any worries, feeling the sun on my skin, taking a nap, reading a book in peace? I think it will never happen again.

When will I get home tired from a full day and be able to just take a shower and go to sleep? That freedom has already been part of my life, and now it seems like a distant memory.

I miss who I was, I don’t even know who I am now. My happiness now depends on the well-being of another person, a little human being that has come and messed up my whole life. I have no control over my schedules, my chores, my wants.

I don’t know how to do things in this new life of mine, and I don’t think I could do what I did before, in my “old” life. I’m not the same anymore. What’s left of who I was I don’t know either. I look around and I can’t see myself, I can’t find myself. “I-mother” is someone very new to me. Someone I don’t know yet. At this moment, it seems that I will never know her/me. I’m told “this too shall pass” and that I will find myself in a few weeks’ time. “A few weeks” feels like a long time for me. “A few weeks” sounds like eternity.

Will I have some time off this whole situation? Some holidays? How desperate it is to think that my new functions never end. Non-stop work. Endless. I don’t think I can take it.

Where am I? Where are my usual surroundings, that which is familiar to me? I want to go out, have a coffee, do some “people watch”! Do I want that?

I don’t. I’m not sure what I want.

I don’t know who I am anymore.

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